Sheep's Eye

SHEEP'S EYE
by Pete Briquette

The views on this page do not necessarily represent the views of the club executive or members nor should they be mistaken for any club policy.  If you are easily offended please go to another page.

Welcome to what we hope will be become the number one gossip column for all things gaelic in the future. Although the main aim of the page will be to expose parochial issues that affect our club and county, we are sure that individuals and incidents we highlight will strike a chord with the rank and file GAA member. Although we claim to have the higher than normal number of dim witted, shifty, forgetful and down right stupid members within our ranks we are confident that intellectually challenged members are to be found in all clubs.

Sheep's Eye initially appeared as a column in our ill fated club newsletter, Take it to a Meeting. It proved to be highly popular with the general membership of the club (excluding the moral majority of course) and among deadbeats in a variety of run down seedy Glasgow Irish bars. If you are the type who would frequent establishments of this nature then this page is for you.  From time to time we will also plagiarize articles of amusement from other publications and web sites.

If you have an article or photograph contact us asap. Please note that contributions can be half-truths-needing only to be based loosely on the facts. We will do the rest.

Hoodie Hullabaloo
With the new hardline attitude of the management committee in all matters fiscal kicking in the first test was always going to be those who ordered the new stylish club hoodie.  April 1st, appropriately enough,  was given as the deadline for payment or they would be sold on a first come first served basis.  True to course, club Development Officer, Tommy Main, has started selling them off, with burly gentle giant Anton Gallagher the first to buy. He just managed  to squeeze his bulky frame into the very last extra large size.
        However, it was the first casualty of this hardline policy which will raise many eyebrows among the elite  gaels on the Management Committee.  I can exclusively reveal that club chairman Ian Roberston, who presided over the meeting which introduced the' no pay no wear' policy turned up at the club office  looking for the last XL hoodie he had ordered, which was earlier sold to his understudy.  I'm not sure  what he will be most annoyed about,   not getting a hoodie or me sharing this information with you.  Why not ask him?

   Club Youth Exposed to Adult Team Drinking Culture                

Club community coach, ladies footballer, camogie star and youth committee icon, Fiona Grainger, stunned the young people of the club with her antics at a dinner in Carrick on Shannon recently.  You will see from the pile of empty glasses in front of her that she was enjoying the hospitality of the Shannon Gaels club at their annual dinner dance.  She certainly enjoyed the free wine served to her and also the glasses served to everyone else at the table including the club secretary.  All this in front of the astonished and impressionable youngsters around the table.  Add to the large meal a night out in Carrick,  a chinese carry out, hardly any sleep, a massive Irish breakfast on top of it all and a three hour cross country drive through rural Ireland to Crossmaglen in the brand new club mini bus.  A recipe for disaster you might think.  And you would be right!  Diced carrot flowed in abundance around the bus as we took a tight corner at Ballymawhereveritis.
                Fortunately the usually dim witted Kris Green threw an old blanket down to prevent the deluge from hitting the floor.  The old blanket turned out to be Grace's sleeping bag to be used for a doss on the boat after her heroics in getting the group to and from Carrick in one piece.  There will be a few sniggers and tee hee hees when the youth committee next meet as one of the main items on the agenda is drawing up a club alcohol policy.  Another adult left smarting over the youth exchange visit to Roscommon was club development officer, Big Nose.  He was boasting to the young people about getting them in free for the Armagh V Dublin match only to learn that there extra two hours travelling time was unnecessary as the game was called off shortly before the throw in time.  Nae luck Big Nose have a drink of carrot juice.


Iraqi GAA Player

Going Going.........................Gone

The reputation of the senior team's cuddly corner back Adrian D is in tatters when it emerged through the haze of another successful annual dinner that he and group of loyal subordinates had bid successfully for the signed All Ireland winning Kerry team jersey. The trouble is that when they emptied their pockets there wasn't enough cash to pay for a signed tub of Kerrygold butter!
  In an embarrassing development a member of Adrian's entourage approached a prominent Irish government official to negotiate a deal to transfer ownership and more importantly the bill to the next bidder.  Unfortunately for this Donegal dominated consortium of cheapskates they were rumbled when the said official dispensed with international protocol and stuck them in with the great and good on the Management Committee.  A source close to them  was only too keen to share it with me, and you, of course.
   Another cover up which I can expose concerns the current online auction on the news page.  We at Sheeps Eye have information that Big Nose is trying to intimidate people into not bidding for the Dunnes vouchers as he is looking to kit himself out on the cheap.  I know for a fact that sporty jim bid more than Big Nose.  The people have a right to know what is going on here.  I for one will be checking his dress sense over the coming weeks.

Tears, Thieves and Toerags

The mini harps fun day at Holyrood sports centre was a massive success for the club with all 86 participants receiving a goodie bag and a free gaelic football strip.  It was smiles all the way as children from some of the cities most socially deprived areas were brought together to promote healthy living and sport.  It should have been a great pr exercise for the club, but turned into a nightmare which the club may never recover from.  The unbridled joy of the children when they received their free kits should have been a special moment, but it wasn't to be for those children at the end of the queue left without strips and with goodie bags with all the good stuff missing .  The puzzling things is the fact that 100 goodie bags  were prepared and 100 strips were brought along.

Following a stewards enquiry,  It has emerged that  a few toerags and swamp life in the club's neddish minor football team had filled their pockets with the goodies when they were supposed to be helping pack them all., during the week.  Worse than that was to follow on the day.  We can exclusively reveal  that three of the club's community coaches stole some of the strips and stashed them away in their kit bags.  For legal reasons and to allow a full management committee inquiry we cannot name the miscreants.  However,  Sarah, Kris and Naimh just to let you know we are onto you.  How could you do it to these young children? 

Air rage averted by quick thinking clubman
Hardly a day passes these days when you don't read a story about some kind of rage.  The most popular at the moment seems to be air rage, although at local level the number of adult players affected by tv remote control rage on training nights is growing.
   However,  yet another of the all too frequent International incidents involving club members was averted thanks to the quick thinking  club development officer.  Ladie (sic) footballers Sarah and Niamh were delegated the responsibility of representing  the club at the recent GAA medical conference in Croke Park.  Both coming from a physiotherapist background, they seemed to be obvious candidates for the job.  However, they only physic they were interested in was the fisogge of local athletic men.  But that, as they say, is another story.  Anyway, the two of them were caught trying to smuggle bottles of wine (not sure if it was fortified) through the security gate.  To say they were bealing when chastised by the security men would be an understatement. Only the intervention of the DO calmed the situation. However, he was to be further embarrassed when the duo bade a hasty retreat to a nearby KFC.  Here sarah capped an embarrassing day for the club by tapping the staff  for two paper cups and the duo then proceeded to guzzle their cargo in front of  the aghast club DO and fellow travellers including terrified women and children.  The return journey by all accounts was equally as shocking with Niamh allegedly involved in an incident involving a toilet bowl and a generous portion of diced carrots in  atoilet at Dublin airport and again with a smaller prtion on the Ryanair flight! Then there was the late night sessions with farmers from the Cooley mountains. Need I go on. I'm sure you have the picture. We at Sheeps Eye demand to know who is funding these junkets and just what was in the official report that came back from the conference? The members have a right to know.

1st Night Back Training

Dedicated to senior team captain and goalkeeper, Anton Gallagher

After a players meeting held the Saturday night before, where all the talk is about the lads given up the drink for the whole year & lads never missing a training session, your approach this year renewed hope that it would be different than the shambles that was last year.

You arrive in the door from work & forget that you’ve training in 2 hours time & eat the dinner, followed by tea & whatever biscuits are still left in the tin of USA biscuits from the Christmas.

No sooner do you stand up from the table than you remember you’ve to head down to training, your brain hits overdrive as you try to think of an injury that you possibly could have...that you only sustained in the last 48hrs, because as you explained to the players in the smoking room in the local pub on Saturday night, you’ve never felt in better shape. Jesus that was some session though Saturday night.

You decide that you better head down to training (sure it might not be too bad after all its the 1st night back & the manager won’t want to torture ye...after all the players had no respect for him last year, maybe he’ll go easy on you tonight while the other lads are running laps). You grab the jacket & the gear bag & head for the door. You remember your going without the fags, but you reckon your better off not bringing them, after all you told the lads you were off them!!!

You pull in to the pitch & see lads sitting in cars looking out at some lad whose setting out cones all round the field, you decide to head in to the dressing room, show the lads how serious you are!!!

You wander in & find the manager & 3 selectors standing there chatting...but if there in here, then whose out there putting down the cones. They explain that they’ve got an army lad in for the next 2 months to get ye in good shape...you feel the spuds churning in your stomach...something tells you, you’ll see them again before the nights out.

You break out the brand new gear & a few lads admire the new Puma boots you bought, €180 you inform them...there also the same 1’s Ciarian Whelan & Munnelly wear. You check the cogs, which look like something NASA came up with, but you reckon it’ll give you that extra yard in training.

You chat to the same lads that you only spoke to last year, the same lads who arrived late last year, are arriving late as you head out the dressing room door & into the bitterly cold January night air, it most definately wasn’t this cold earlier on.

You run on to the pitch & survey the cones laid out, its hard to know exactly what sort of football drills this lad is likely to be using here...you then notice that there’s actually not an O’Neills football in sight. Your run slows down to a jog, then to a walk...no point over doing it yet!!!

Training starts at 8, although its 8.15 & lads are still coming out on to the field...little do they realise that everytime a lad comes after 8 your trainer adds on an extra lap to be run at the end of training by everyone.

You start off training by running aimlessly over & back across the field...every now & again the trainer shouts for ye to sprint...but your already at full tilt to stay with them as it is. After 10-15 mins of agony ye stop for stretching, this apparently was only the warm up...

After you’ve finished stretching ye proceed to run around the field for what seems an eternity, but what the trainer informs you has only been 12 mins!!! At this stage your lungs are killing you & you regret ever taking up smoking 40 a day, & your dinner is slowly working its way back up your stomach!!!

Your also well sick of the county minor player lapping you on these runs...who does he think he is? It comforts you a huge amount when you discover that he’s recently been dropped off the panel, yet still trained tonight in the gear that you know his mother went out & bought him!!!

Another 45 mins of running laps, sprints, shuttle runs, sit ups, push ups, & more laps, the trainer says 1 final lap to finish up. This is your moment to shine. You decide to hit the front early & set the pace...you go full pelt...you feel fitter, faster & stronger than ever before. You might have died for the last hour & a half or so but now your going to show them.

40 yards in to the run...you hit your 10th brick wall of the night & lads coast out by you, you try to stay going, but every step feels like a knife in the chest. Finally you give up & walk the last half a lap, where the other lads are just finished stretching!!! You try & stretch but your 2 legs feel like 2 concrete pillars so you decide there’s no point & head in to the dressing room...a hot shower is just what you need!!!

You greeted at the door by the Chairman who informs ye all that no one turned on the boiler for the showers so there’s no hot water in it!!! You throw on the clothes & scab a cigeratte off 1 of the lads before you get in the car to drive home.

As you drive home, you thank god your the only goalie in the club, they won’t see you at training again till mid March!!!

Camogs gatecrash Gaels' championship party

For a few hardcore dames (Camogs) the London revellery clearly wasn't
enough. Barely an hour had elapsed from their arrival back in Glasgow and
some were to be found propping up the bar of their favourite haunts. All
normal behaviour but there has been a worrying development in inter-club
relations with the Glasgow Gaels and one of our most innocent Camogs. A fly
on the wall witnessed what looked to be a very cosy conversation on the
dancefloor of O'Neills music rooms. Upon questioning said lovely claimed
that it was all innocent chat but given the lady in question I have my
doubts. She claimed that it was all for the club and she was merely trying
to get insider information. Its amazing how much this young lady manages to
achieve for the club, her work really is extensive and her efforts
inexhaustible. The Glasgow Gael had been looking for hearty congratulations
for their win that day! Furthermore our wee camog admitted that whilst she
remained loyal to the harps on this occasion given the lack of eligible
talent amongst the seniors and the impressive quality of the Glasgow Gaels
muscles when he hugged her goodbye she could not promise to do so in the
future. Sounds like a challenge lads, looks like we need to impress the
ladies. A few rounds above in Waxys should considerably help things along.
I would like to thank Madame Mischief for the above article.  Unfortunately, she
chose not to name the 'lady'.  However, we at sheeps eye feel sure that the girl
will be named in a guest book near you quite soon!

Cross community work at Glasgow Green continues

Following on from the accommodation found by our ladies footballers and the Glasgow Orangemen comes new of another inclusive initiative this time involving the club's biggest ethnic minority, the hurlers, and a group of Asian cricketers on Glasgow's green and pleasant land in the east end of the city.  Barry Murphy (howzat for an original Cork name) , former club Queen of Camogie award winner, Hilda Dooley and plastic hurler, Graham Smith came face to face and stick to bat  with the cricketers and both sets were intrigued with each others endeavors.  After an exchange of rules and stories of daring do on the hurling fields of Fairhill, Airdrie and Tullamore it wasn't too long before Barry was at the crease and Hilda and Graham fielding at short wicket in what turned out to be an enjoyable summer's evening  of cultural sporting exchanges.
   After the game the trio tittered at the thought of how outraged the puritanical and narrow minded gaels in the club would be if they knew some of their fellow sons and daughters of gaeldom were taking up a game so historically associated with British colonialism.  Rebel Cork and all that lark.  Well folks they should know that the boundary of a cricket pitch is transparent and that dog lovers on park walks can also be members of tir conaill harps. I would say the trio is out wouldn't you!  Caught by the  balls.  So to speak.

Club's Dublin community in mourning

There was great sadness among the  Dublin members in the club following the
ending of the county's charge for the Sam Maguire by the men of Mayo.  The feeling of the rest of the country can be best summed up with the newly designed jersey which is doing the rounds among the e community. 
  The story on the ground is that everyone in Dublin is now drinking Red Bull in their Vodka.  Apparently, 7 Up is not enough.  For those not up to date with the inter county scene this is a reference to the lead the Dubs had over Mayo in the second half, only to see it slip away along with their hopes of bringing Sam home.  If only they had brought on Damo to take those late missed frees.

Donegal Doohan Down in the Dumps

Senior football fringe player and assistant to the assistant manager of the under 14s team, Paul Doohan, was delighted to be handed a placard with  Tir Conaill 92 emblazed across it, at the feile parade in Arklow.  This brought fond memories back for the young Falcarragh man of the halcyon days of Donegal football in the early nineties . Which culminated in the 1992 annexing of the Sam Maguire cup.
   The placard was not for the purpose of celebrating the Donegal teams success but merely marking out the position in the parade of Paul's charges in the under 14s team.
  His hopes of a return to the glory days also ended a few weeks after the feile trip when Donegal where sent back up the hills by the Corkmen. 
  Sources close to the senior football team inform me that the there was added significance to the number 92 on the placard.  It apparently refered to the number of days that had elapsed since the financially astute Mr Doohan had got a round of drinks up in waxy's.

Peace Process Breakthrough as GAA and Orangemen share a field

Peruvian atheists, Catholics, protestants, dissenters with a few drunks, loonies and would be martyrs thrown in for good measure, attempted to  keep the high ball low.  

Glesga Jakey Accusation Levelled At County Manager